Noteworthy

Every once in a while I have to compare what I say my priorities are to the way that I am actually living and make sure there is a good amount of overlap.  I did this over the summer with my money.  I would say my financial priorities are giving and saving, in that order, but no one would believe that looking at my bank statements.  According to reality, my priorities seemed to be Chick-fil-A and Target, in that order.

Last week when I looked at my priorities vs. my daily life, I saw definite changes that needed to be made and so began my 21-day journey to waking up on time, working out everyday, practicing disciplines, and packing my lunch.

Today when I looked at my priorities vs. my daily life, I saw minor tweaks that needed to be made to my actions but major problems with my priorities.

I discovered an unhealthy priority and self expectation today: perfection. I was thinking about the person I want to be and about how far I feel from that person.  Somehow the healthy priorities in my head morphed into these monsters.  I will give some examples.

• I want to make better decisions became I want to not make mistakes
• I want to get better grades became I want 100% in every class
• I want to manage my time better became I want more time
• I want to be better became I want to be perfect

These thoughts on the right are so disabling.  When my goals of becoming healthy became goals of being perfect, a nasty grey cloud of discouragement formed over my head.  It is even more than a desire to just give up.  It's an odd feeling, but I just don't feel like being.  I'm really not in the mood for existence.  It is more than wanting to give up on my goals; I want to give up on myself.  

I know these thoughts are straight from the Enemy's tongue, but I can't find the energy to fight them.  Earlier this year, I conquered the lie that I wasn't good enough.  Thankfully, with the help of God and loved ones, I have learned how to continually stand firm on the truth that I have worth.  I am valuable.  I am enough.  

But the Liar hasn't given up on me yet, and I think his fight this time is trying to change my view of "enough".  I am having a hard time today feeling like I am enough, but not because the lie "You are not enough" has once again taken over my heart.  There is a new lie, "Perfect is enough".  

Today, I want to be the girl who never falls.  I want to be the girl who never misses a homework assignment, never gets a C on a test, always speaks up in class with all the correct answers.  I want to be the girl who makes good decisions without fail, never regrets, never makes anyone else upset, never accidentally leaves the important things at home (or my water bottle who knows where).  I want my house to be sparkly clean everyday and my laundry to always be done and put away.  I want to have  enough money and enough time and stop feeling like I am always stretched thin in those areas.  I want to stop wanting, I want to stop needing, I want to be perfect.  

And since I can't, I want to go away.  

These are by far the most unhealthy thoughts I have ever had, but knowing that doesn't make me feel less crippled against them.  This is the first step: giving them a name, calling them out.  That's why I am writing them down.  The next step is kicking them out of the house of my heart, making damn sure they know they are not welcome here.  I have not been able to make that step today since rather than continuing the remodel on my heart house, I feel like just moving out.  The concurrent step to kicking the unhealthy roommates out of my house is inviting healthy ones to move in.  I will let Jesus be the perfect one.  I will tell him that trying to be perfect or even trying to be good enough is too much work for me.  I will remind myself that he has already carried my burden of being good enough on the cross.  He has told me that I don't have to try to be good enough since because of him I simply am.  He doesn't see perfect when he looks at me (which means he doesn't expect it) but doesn't see broken or hopeless or weak or useless either.  Also, I will listen to this song on repeat.  

Matthew 11:28-30

 ²⁸ “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. ²⁹ Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. ³⁰ For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”  

God, your burden is not perfection.  Break the unreasonable expectations I have for myself today.  Fight for me, because I feel like I can't.  Reclaim ownership of my house and kick all the squatters to the curb.  Repair all the windows they broke to get in, and replace all the locks.  

I am Yours.

You make everything glorious.. what does that make me?