Content with being content... At least for now.

I have been thinking about contentment a lot this morning.  It is much easier to be content with my body when I am working out every morning.  More than some girls and less than others, I have struggled with body image and being content in my skin.  Today, though, was a minor breakthrough, I think.

First of all, it makes me sad that the more I think about it, the more it makes sense to me that the women's clothing industry is built on the discontentment of women.  Men's sizes, even to men, I think give the impression that one's size is just their size.  A man is this tall, this big around, etc., and that's just how it is.  That's just how he is.  I could be wrong, and I know that it is far from impossible for men to compare themselves to others based on their measurements, but women's sizes are much more easily comparable to others.  For example, the "ideal" size for women is far from the average size of actual women.  Models we see the clothes on wear size 0, size 2, extra small, etc.  Women put way too much emphasis, even just in our own heads, on these numbers and labels.  New York and Co., for example, capitalizes on the weight women put on this arbitrary sizing system.  If a woman is normally a size 8, in NY&Co. clothes she is a size 6.  And that feeling of fitting into even one size smaller is so great that women are more inclined to shop there only because of that boost of self confidence.  If I were taking a survey of women and asking them what size they wish they wore, my guess would be that most women would say a size 2.  Few would say they are content with the size they currently wear.  All would say a size lower than they wear.  In fact, if I took a survey of women and asked what their dress size is, I would guess that half would tell me they wear at least one size lower than they actually do.  Why does this matter to us so much?

My breakthrough came when I was thinking about my goals this morning.  Before giving it too much thought, I said to myself, Wouldn't it be nice to wear a size 2.  I had to shake that thought out of my head and remind myself that I would probably look grotesquely skinny and be unhealthy if I shrunk down to that size.  It is just not in the stars for me to be that skinny.  And the amazing part is that I didn't feel defeated by realizing that I will never make it to a 2.  I didn't feel depressed.  I felt content.  When I said in my head, Actually, my  body was just not built to wear size 2 pants, it felt like something I already knew.  I felt myself saying, Duh.

I have a friend who, since I have known her, has only gotten skinnier.  I think when I met her, she wore a size 4 or a size 6, depending on what store she was shopping in.  Now she wears a size 0, and if they someday come up with negative numbers, she will probably fit into those.  Until today, there have been times when I have badly wanted to have a similar body type.  I have wanted to look like her.  Today, the fact that I have thought that makes me want to cry.  It makes me sad for the time I lost not loving myself, not being content.

This is a picture of my skinny friend's dad on the left... and this is a picture of my dad on the right.  Both of these men are wonderful, godly men with great families and in great physical shape.  But it is easy to see that my genes are built much differently.  Her dad is probably at least six inches shorter than mine and obviously much skinnier.  This is not something I can change, no matter how well I eat or how much I work out.

I am so thankful for this realization.  I already knew these things in my head, but today they became real to me.  I felt contentment in my heart.  This is one area that my new morning routine is helping me (another success this morning, by the way).  No matter how much I try, I will never be anyone but me.  I can change almost every little thing about me nowadays, from my name to my hair color to my facial structure to my bra size, etc.  But my soul is my soul is my soul, and I am who I am who I am.  (I am going crazy trying to remember where I read this quote, but I love it: "We are image bearers of the One who says, 'I am who I am.'")  I will always be me deep down.  My goals cannot be unattainable things like a size 2.

My ultimate goal is to be a better version of myself at the end of each day, a lesson I learned on a first date ;)  And this routine helps me feel that way.  I do feel healthier at the end of the day than when I started. I feel like I made improvements, both on myself and on the world, as little as they may be.  I feel like I accomplished things.  I feel like I woke up for a reason.

And that's something I wouldn't trade for a size 2 pair of pants.