The prideful attitude I had buried deep down was not blatantly prideful. I think really obvious pride surfaces in the form of arrogance. Yeah, I have too many self-confidence issues to be arrogant. The way this pride was manifesting itself in me, though, was in expectations I had for how others would treat me.
I expected people to give me slack, to offer me the benefit of the doubt, to trust and respect me without me having to work for their trust and respect. I forgot that even though my friends think I'm alright, that doesn't mean everyone else automatically will.
This was a hard lesson I began learning a couple of summers ago while interning far from home. The people there didn't know me, but I expected them to like me. I didn't expect to have to get them to like me. See, I had never really had to prove myself to anyone. Everyone from home had known me since forever, so when I messed up they knew that wasn't the me I really was. That was a mess up. During my internship, if I was ever late, people thought I was a late person. If I woke up one day and felt lazy, to them I was a lazy person. They could never say, "That's not like her," because they didn't know me yet.
I came back home that summer thankful to be around people who knew me better than a list of mistakes. They could see who I was deep down; I could relax again. I could be myself with people who love me.
But what I realized this week was that maybe I have been leaning too much on the fact that you all will love me anyway. I'm sorry for expecting you to give me slack. In other words, I'm sorry for taking advantage.
Just because we are so close, doesn't mean there are no boundaries. Just because you will love me even if I show up late doesn't mean I can. Just because you will be patient with me when I am rude doesn't mean I should be. Just because you will show me mercy and grace doesn't mean I should demand it from you.
I haven't been doing these things on purpose, but negligence is just as bad.
It is a goal of mine to be more of a blessing than a burden. My humbling lesson from this week all boils down to this: I am naturally a burden. I may have wonderful people in my life that offer me such wonderful encouragement and tell me all the time how much they love and appreciate me. I may be mostly a blessing to them most of the time, but I have to remember that being a blessing does not come naturally to me.
A couple of roommates ago, I was living with a woman who will forever be the example in my head of what it means to be a blessing, not a burden. I took her for granted while I lived with her, but, hey, it seems like taking things for granted is my MO recently, so that's not a big surprise. If she needed to borrow a cup of detergent, she would replace the entire box the next week. She did that multiple times with many of the items in our house. She cleaned up our messes with a happy heart. Even though she could have, she never once acted resentful that we left messes that she cleaned. Living with her meant a brighter, cleaner, happier house.
I want to be like her. I want to stop assuming and expecting the grace of others. I needed a reminder that I don't deserve anyone's mercy or grace. Not deserving is even in the definition of both of those words!
Being more of a blessing is going to be hard. It is going to cost me. I am going to have to go out of my way. It's going to take me thinking outside of myself much more of the time. It's going to take effort enough to tire me out times ten. It's going to take selflessness, relational awareness, and action.
But I have been a burden this week, and I hate the feeling. And hating something is the first step toward fighting it. Wish me luck.
new favorite: "hating something is the first step toward fighting it."
ReplyDeletegood luck. :)