A Great, Big Slice of Humble Pie

I guess I needed it, because boy have I eaten my share this week.  It took a couple of hard lessons to realize some new things about my attitude recently.  I am not quite thankful for these lessons yet, as they are still fresh and painful.  It hurts to be humbled.  But they were lessons I needed to learn, so I am assuming I will be thankful for them... someday.  

The prideful attitude I had buried deep down was not blatantly prideful.  I think really obvious pride surfaces in the form of arrogance.  Yeah, I have too many self-confidence issues to be arrogant.  The way this pride was manifesting itself in me, though, was in expectations I had for how others would treat me.   

I expected people to give me slack, to offer me the benefit of the doubt, to trust and respect me without me having to work for their trust and respect.  I forgot that even though my friends think I'm alright, that doesn't mean everyone else automatically will.  

This was a hard lesson I began learning a couple of summers ago while interning far from home.  The people there didn't know me, but I expected them to like me.  I didn't expect to have to get them to like me.  See, I had never really had to prove myself to anyone.  Everyone from home had known me since forever, so when I messed up they knew that wasn't the me I really was.  That was a mess up.  During my internship, if I was ever late, people thought I was a late person.  If I woke up one day and felt lazy, to them I was a lazy person.  They could never say, "That's not like her," because they didn't know me yet.  

I came back home that summer thankful to be around people who knew me better than a list of mistakes.  They could see who I was deep down; I could relax again.  I could be myself with people who love me. 

But what I realized this week was that maybe I have been leaning too much on the fact that you all will love me anyway.  I'm sorry for expecting you to give me slack.  In other words, I'm sorry for taking advantage.  

Just because we are so close, doesn't mean there are no boundaries.  Just because you will love me even if I show up late doesn't mean I can.  Just because you will be patient with me when I am rude doesn't mean I should be.  Just because you will show me mercy and grace doesn't mean I should demand it from you.  

I haven't been doing these things on purpose, but negligence is just as bad. 

It is a goal of mine to be more of a blessing than a burden.  My humbling lesson from this week all boils down to this: I am naturally a burden.  I may have wonderful people in my life that offer me such wonderful encouragement and tell me all the time how much they love and appreciate me.  I may be mostly a blessing to them most of the time, but I have to remember that being a blessing does not come naturally to me.  

A couple of roommates ago, I was living with a woman who will forever be the example in my head of what it means to be a blessing, not a burden.  I took her for granted while I lived with her, but, hey, it seems like taking things for granted is my MO recently, so that's not a big surprise.  If she needed to borrow a cup of detergent, she would replace the entire box the next week.  She did that multiple times with many of the items in our house.  She cleaned up our messes with a happy heart.  Even though she could have, she never once acted resentful that we left messes that she cleaned.  Living with her meant a brighter, cleaner, happier house.  

I want to be like her.  I want to stop assuming and expecting the grace of others.  I needed a reminder that I don't deserve anyone's mercy or grace.  Not deserving is even in the definition of both of those words!  

Being more of a blessing is going to be hard.  It is going to cost me.  I am going to have to go out of my way.  It's going to take me thinking outside of myself much more of the time.  It's going to take effort enough to tire me out times ten.  It's going to take selflessness, relational awareness, and action.  

But I have been a burden this week, and I hate the feeling.  And hating something is the first step toward fighting it.  Wish me luck.  

What my Dream Job Taught Me

I had three dream jobs.  It was a dream of mine since middle school to work as the Student Ministries Intern at my church, just like my favorite youth coach did.  I also thought it would be nice to be an employee at Chick-fil-A because I love the company, I love the food, and I had read about the over-the-top benefits given to all employees, including part time.  The third dream of mine was to work in a Spanish-speaking country with teens and preteens, loving on them and ministering to them.

I say had three dream jobs because this past year, while still in college, I have seen all of those dreams come to fruition.  I got a job as the Student Intern at church, and I loved it. (I even secretly loved when people used Intern as my name.)  I currently work at Chick-fil-A and enjoy (a little too often) the free food that comes along with that.  This summer, I will be going to Peru to work with a local institution that loves on and cares for girls ages 10-17.

A mug my boss at church only presented to me once during my internship there

Photo: The Onion 

Before I become a college graduate, I will have attained all the dreams I've had for employment.  It's time to start dreaming a little bigger, I guess, and decide what the dream jobs are moving forward.  Before that happens, though, I wanted to look back on my occupational experiences this year, so I have compiled a list of the things I have learned.

My attitude matters.
There was a coworker that I really didn't like working with.  She was just unpleasant, but I decided that I was going to try my hardest to like her.  Now, as you'll see soon enough when you read on, some people and situations are just going to be unpleasant forever.  But I'd bet that 80% of the time the situation will improve if you try your hardest to improve it yourself.  I tried hard to like this girl, and now she is one of my favorite coworkers.  I love the shifts when I get to work with her.

It also helped to realize that sometimes I was the problem.  If I was frustrated that something wasn't getting done, could I be the one doing it?  If I was frustrated with someone, was it because I was being selfish?  A simple change in perspective solves A TON of problems.


Unfortunately, there are also times when even a good attitude doesn't help.  
I can't change people, even with the best of attitudes.  There are people who aren't going to like me.  I can choose to let that bother me deep down, I can choose to retaliate and be rude back to them, or I can shrug and move on.  Just like my identity doesn't ride on whether people like me or not, I won't let my attitude ride on whether others are pleasant to me or not.

People are fun.  Also, people are stupid.
There are coworkers I love and coworkers I don't.  I work with irresponsible people, stubborn people, arrogant people, selfish people, obnoxious people, and lazy people.  I also work with awesome people, funny people, positive people, intelligent people, hard workers, creative people, nice people, and loving people.  I can't avoid everyone that frustrates me or annoys me.  I also can't avoid all the rude customers.  I can, however, try to maximize the effect the good people have on me and minimize the bad.

There is time now, and there may not be time later.
Procrastinating could almost be considered one of my strengths.  I am seriously good at putting things off.  The things always get done, but I end up more stressed in the process when I wait until the last minute.  I located the lie this year, which is that there will be plenty of time later to do X.  The problem is, something else usually comes up before later and I always wish used the time I had before to get it done.

"The Procrastinator's Clock"

I don't always get to do things the way it makes sense to me.
I am a task-oriented worker, which means in most situations it is a task that is important to me, more important than people or time.  I will work until the job is done, and I don't like pausing in between tasks.  At my current job, though, the customer is king, and sometimes I have to drop what I'm doing to serve the king.  I have to leave things unfinished, which also means that someone else may pick up where I left off and do it differently that I was doing it (read: wrong).

Someone in a position of authority over me might also have me do something in a way that makes no sense to me.  I have to find the balance between when I have to do what they say exactly and when I can respectfully offer a suggestion of a more efficient way.

I have to let those things not be a big deal; I have to trade in what I personally think is important or correct for what really is important to everyone involved.  I have to be a team, which means I don't always get to do things my way.

Work is a selfish place.
Employees get wrapped up in what they are doing, and usually end up accidentally acting pretty self-centered.  Work is a place where we are all competing to be the best and make the most, whether we realize it or not.  We all want to get to the top or just get our own work done so we can be the one going home early, etc.  The good news, though, is that small selfless acts don't go unnoticed, because they are so far from the norm.

Next time you are at work, try to notice ways that employees are just naturally selfish.  It's not always because they are selfish people, it's just the environment.  Then look for ways that you can help someone else before you do your own job.  It can be something so small that you think will be completely insignificant to the other  person, but in my experience they notice.  When you finish all your work, help someone else.  It may not always seem like it, but working for the same company puts you on the same team.  I have found that being a team player makes the work environment much more enjoyable, and when you make it a point to help others, others help you too.


Ideas are vulnerable.
My job as the Student Intern consisted of a lot of creative work.  I would sit in my office just thinking of ideas- events, lessons, room decor, games.  I always got super nervous before presenting my most recent idea to my boss and the other intern.  Ideas come from a really personal place, and it sucks when one it shot down.  I learned a couple good lessons about ideas, though.  First of all, even the bad ideas spark good ones.  Ever been in a brainstorming session and been told that there are no bad ideas?  That's crap- there are lots of terrible ideas.  The sentiment here, however, is that a bad idea may make someone else in the room think of a less bad idea which might make someone else think of a fantastic idea!  I learned to not take it so personally when someone doesn't like my idea or tries to tweak it.

I also learned to be more confident when sharing my ideas with others.  Fortunately, I was working in an environment where I was allowed, even encouraged, to run with crazy ideas just to see if they'd work.  It was kind of a, "Why not?" mentality, which I loved!  I got to run a game night where every game was somehow played with bananas, for goodness sake.  I got to do crazy things and then discuss with my coworkers why that did or didn't work and what we can do to make it or ourselves better for the future.  And you know what?  A lot of my ideas did work.  I learned that ideas are a strength of mine, and that I can learn from the bad ones and be proud of the good ones.


I will not receive feedback about every single thing.
In school, I submit something, I get a grade.  Given that school has been my 'job' since I was 6, I have gotten used to receiving almost immediate feedback on almost everything I do.  Work is different, though, and not getting that feedback was something I was really uneasy about for a while.  'No one is telling me I did/am doing a good job, therefore I must not be,' was a recurring thought in my head.  In some jobs, no feedback is actually a good thing.  I learned to treat compliments about my performance as more valuable since they came less often, but I also learned to be confident in the work I am doing.  I had to learn not to assume I was doing a terrible job just because no one was telling me the opposite.  I do good work, and I learned to believe that for myself.

Not everyone works the way I work and thinks the way I think.
Well, duh.  But this is seriously something that had to be pounded into my brain for some reason.  The expectations I put on coworkers, and therefore the frustrations I have when those expectations aren't met, are because I am expecting them to do something the way I would do it.  Other people don't make sense to me, but I also have to remind myself that I probably don't make sense to a lot of people.

...

I have had so many great professional opportunities so far.  I have worked for small, local companies who treated me like family.  I have worked for organizations like CIY and Chick-fil-A that have missions I can wholeheartedly support.  I have worked for a church I call home.  I have done things I love and gotten paid for doing them.  I realize how lucky I am to have had these opportunities, even when they came with unpleasant pieces and some hard lessons to learn.  I'm so hoping my luck doesn't run out after college and that I find more opportunities to work at things I love doing and to continue learning the difficult lessons of employment.

Cycles of Disappointment

I have started to notice a pattern in my life.  It is a circular pattern.  First, I get a spout of inspiration.  I want to be excellent, I want to make goals, I want to smack those goals out of the park.  But then, a couple of weeks go by, and the spark of inspiration that I felt would turn into a wildfire has already died out.  I slip back into old habits.  I fall behind on my goals, and I start to give up on myself.  I get bored on the long, hard road to excellence, and I get lazy.  Sooner or later, I again tire of the consequences of bad habits and inspiration strikes again.  All these messes I have created- I will take them by storm!  I will clean all the things!  I will be at the gym for all of my free time!  I will never eat unhealthy food, much less spend too much money on it!  I have spent so much time being not excellent!  What was I doing?!

And the cycle, as cycles do, begins again.  Sigh.

I left one part out: I usually hit an emotional slump right before the inspiration returns.  I have failed, I tell myself.  Again.  The lies trickle in, I feel overwhelmed, I feel like I should not even set goals if I find myself here time and time again in this place of disappointment and failure.  Will I ever get to where I want to be?  Will excellent ever be an adjective I can claim?  A cloud of fear casts a shadow that simply answers, No.

Tonight, the inspiration came and I saw so clearly the cycle that has been spinning in my life for the past year.  I was reminded of the frustration my best friend has been having recently while reading stories of the Israelites' own cycle of disappointment.  They find themselves back in the same spot, time and time again.  Turning from their goals, their identity, and their God, over and over again they fail.  And I saw my cycle through a filter, not anymore of disappointment, but of grace.

I can't meet my goals all the time, every time.  I know who I want to be, but the reality is that I will not always act like that person.  This is the beauty of grace, however.  God knows all this.  He knows who I am and who I want to be and even who I think I am sometimes but really am not.  And what's even better is that he meets me in the middle of all that mess.  He affirms who I am, and he gives me grace for the times I don't act according to my identity in Him.

And if God can extend that much grace and be lovingly honest with me, then so can I.  At least for tonight.  I will set goals that will be forgotten or ignored.  I will skip the gym some days.  I will make and break promises to myself.  But after all the single steps forward, even when they are followed by two back, I find myself in a better place right now than I was last year, not to mention all the lessons I have learned from the backwards steps.  I am walking toward health, and most importantly I am walking toward God.  (It's nice that they are in the same direction.)  I stumble.  I get off track.  But I am getting there, and like I have said here before, this life is more about the "getting" and less about the "there".

My name is Katelyn, and I am an introvert.

My favorite game is solitaire.  I have sat in restaurants alone before, and I don't mind at all.  My favorite times are when I am with one or two close friends.  Groups of less than ten are best.  I don't mind parties, but I need by myself time afterward.  I have mastered the arts of finding alone time in a crowd and of avoiding people I just don't have the energy to talk to.  I appreciate people who take time to deeply invest in me and don't have the social strength for people who always expect me to make the first move.

I am not shy, I am not socially awkward, and I am not afraid of people.

I enjoy a plan.  I desire consistency.  Schedules are my friend.  I like things in order.  I like to know what to expect.  I like grammar and rules and systems.  I also like surprises and spontaneity in small doses, and I have been known to allot time in my schedule specifically for being spontaneous.

I love to organize.  I love to figure people and things out.  I love to discover how and why people do things and the effects those things have on the world.  I like to read, and even more I like to listen.  I tell detailed stories when people are willing to listen and even sometimes when they aren't.  I like to sit alone in my room, in my head, and think or feel or do... alone.  I am good at lists and plans.

I come up with great ideas on my own and then I talk to people about them and together we make them better.  My last job consisted mostly of me sitting in my office and writing down all my good ideas.  For hours.  I am good at details.  I pay attention.  I have a good memory, especially for the things others easily forget.

If you need a plan or a new organizational system for your desk or can't figure out how to make something fit into your schedule or can never seem to be on time or can't remember if you need a comma somewhere in that sentence or didn't get the notes from class on Friday, I can probably help you with that, and I don't mind if you ask me.  And yes, that was a run-on sentence.  Most rules allow room for bending and creativity :)

There is nothing wrong with me that I like parties less than others.  There is nothing wrong with me that I prefer that I follow the rules and that others do the same.  I am no less important than an outgoing, dynamic extrovert.  I am also no more important; the world needs us, and the world needs a balance.

And for the LOVE please stop with all the group projects.

http://www.ted.com/talks/susan_cain_the_power_of_introverts.html

Scrambled thoughts on difficult part of the Bible

I have been stuck on this one for a while.

²¹ Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.

 ²² Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. ²³ For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. ²⁴ Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.

 ²⁵ Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her ²⁶ to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, ²⁷ and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. ²⁸ In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. ²⁹ After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church— ³⁰ for we are members of his body. ³¹ “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.” ³² This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. ³³ However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.

First of all, some things about the text itself that I have noticed after staring at this verse in frustration numerous times.  This verse is usually used to instruct wives, but there are almost three times as many verses in this chunk of text meant for husbands.  Also, I know that Paul is directly addressing wives and husbands, which does make the text feel instructional, but in verse 32, Paul explains that he is talking about Christ and the church.  Is he drawing parallels between the Christ/church relationship and marriage to instruct or is he using marriage as an analogy to talk about how the church should behave as the "bride" or "body" of Christ, Christ being the head?  It is hard to tell, especially when this passage has been used for so long to hand out authority to the husband and to place the wive below.  

The theme of Ephesians, I think, is unity in the church, peace in relationships, harmony in the body of Christ. The first two chapters talk about the blessings of the gospel, and then the ultimate purpose of all Christ has done for us is described in chapter 1, verses 8-10.  Christ died and now lives, "to bring unity to all things in heaven and on earth."  

The rest of the letter talks about how the people of Ephesus should respond to all Christ has done toward this purpose of unity.  4:25- Don't lie to each other, 4:26- don't stay angry with each other, 4:28- don't steal from each other but instead share with each other, 4:29- Build each other up, 4:31- get rid of all negative feelings you might have toward one another, 4:32- be kind to each other and forgive one another.  Unity.  

I think it is easy to read the second half of chapter 5 (and even into chapter 6, especially the verse about slaves and masters), and conclude that the theme of these verses is authority.  Most commentaries on this section of the Bible refer to this as an outline of authority, and many use the word hierarchy.  What happens, though, when we take into account the overall theme of Ephesians and re-read the passage as it applies to unity?  What if the hope for this passage wasn't that it would help husbands be better in charge and wives be better at letter their husbands be in charge?  What if the hope for this passage was that husbands and wives would be better unified?  A stronger team?  

These questions are not to imply that I think I have the answers.  I am only slightly less stuck than I was before, and I am still struggling with what I think Paul was really trying to say here.  

My main beef with this small chunk of the Bible is not what it says, though.  It's how it has been read, and, more-so, how it has been used (abused, in my opinion).  I think the view many Christians have of submission in this passage is the woman losing her vote, her voice, and sometimes even pieces of her own identity.  In this definition of submission, passivity is a good synonym.  I think this leads to a sad end for the woman.  Is Paul saying here that God wants passive women?  I have a hard time believing that to be true.  

Whether it is marriage or the church primarily being discussed in Ephesians 5:21-33, a clear connection is being drawn between the two and can also be found elsewhere in Scripture.  So, it's helpful for me to reconcile this passage by thinking about how submission looks when we submit to Christ.  

Jesus doesn't demand submission.  I think he hopes that in response to his love I will choose to submit.  And once I do, my submission doesn't warrant inaction.  My decision to live for Christ and submit to him is a decision to act in a way that honors that relationship.  I choose to be for the things God is for and to fight the things God is against.  I commit to make choices that honor God.  All those things require me to have a mind for myself and a willingness to act, to move, and to speak for and against certain things.  When I submit to Christ, my identity is not lost; it is found.  Submission is not weakness.  I think submission is empowering.

With Christ, I can do more and be better than I am without him.  I am given all the blessings he has to offer those who love him.  Following Christ, I am becoming more of a person who responds with love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness, and self control.  Being a Christian doesn't make me exempt from suffering, but it turns my suffering to joy and my weakness to strength.  In Christ, "when I am weak, then I am strong."  

In a relationship, I think similar statements should be applicable.  No one can be for me what Jesus is, but I think it is a test to a strong and healthy relationship that the following can be said:

• each partner is better with the other than without
• they help each other to become better and do more
• neither makes demands but rather loves and respects
• they make choices to honor each other and their family
• either partner's identity is not lost in each other but found, maybe even in a new and unique way
• the relationship is empowering to each partner

A wife doesn't have to be weak or passive when she chooses to submit to her husband.  She does not have to submit because she can't handle the role or succeed as "the head".  When I read this passage, I always focus on verse 21.  One commentary I read said this is the only place in the Bible that submission is something that could go two ways.  Submit to one another... a weird concept.  

My last ditch effort at understanding this passage is thinking that maybe something, not much but some small connotation, got lost in translation.  Maybe we don't have a word for what Paul was talking about.  Maybe some Greek word that means something like submission has different implications.  I don't know.  But replacing 'submit' with 'dedicate' or 'be dedicated to' makes me feel better.  I am quite sure I am not allowed to switch words out for ones I like better, but hey... Eugene Peterson did it, right?  :)  

Wives, be dedicated to your own husbands as you are to the Lord.  Even still, I get stuck on the fact that Paul declares the husband as the head.  I read that as, "For the husband is in charge of the wive."  But, is Jesus in charge of us?  

Ugh, I don't know, I don't know.  

I hope I am not the only one who is frustrated by this.

Here is what I am left with.  It doesn't make sense to me that God would ask for quiet, passive women, even considering 1 Corinthians 13:24.  God cares about me, my identity, my thoughts, my dreams, my voice, and my relationships.  My husband should as well.  God cares about women, and I don't think women are put down by the message of Christ.  

Relationships that seem healthier to me are ones where it is about unity, not authority.  This passage can be used to compel wives to do as their husbands say, but I think it also can be used to cultivate a healthy partnership.  Wives, respect and submit to your husbands.  Husbands, love your wives as you love your self and as Christ loves the church.  Both of you, submit to Christ and dedicate your lives to him above all else.  Be on the same team, fight for each other, love Jesus together.  

That's what I want this passage to mean.  Whether it does or not, I still don't know.  

Maybe we focus on it too much.  Maybe it is just one example in a list of others given in this letter to Ephasus (children and parents, slaves and masters, Jews and Gentiles) all to say that when we are living for Christ, we are living together toward one purpose, like it says in chapter 4. 

⁴ There is one body and one Spirit, just as you were called to one hope when you were called; ⁵ one Lord, one faith, one baptism; ⁶ one God and Father of all, who is over all and through all and in all.