Day One

I could not wake up this morning.  In fact, I have trouble getting out of bed most mornings.  I was so frustrated with myself today that I googled "how to get up when your alarm goes off" and found some good advice.  So, I took it.  Thus begins day one of the 21 day journey to being a happier, healthier human being.

I also remembered something that Jonalyn once wrote - I don't remember exactly where.  It was about will power, or what she simply called the will.  She was talking about the elements of the soul, if I remember correctly, and said one thing that has stuck with me since.  I am not going to get the words verbatim, but I think this captures the sentiment.  Every action we take strengthens our will in that direction.  In the context of forming healthy habits, every decision, every action, is the first step toward forming a habit out of that action.  The more I repeat the action, the stronger the inclination will be for me to repeat it once more until one day I wonder how I can snooze the alarm 17 times and still not get out of bed or have weeks where I tell myself my sleep is more important so I don't shower for three days in a row.  How am I not disgusted enough with myself to refuse to continue to live in this pattern?  How have I let it go on this long without bothering to strengthen my will in a different direction, towards different actions?

Well, it ends here.

Steve Pavlina's suggestion that I found this morning seems simple in words and no doubt more difficult in reality.  Practice.  Do your routine over and over again exactly the same until it is no longer a conscious decision but a habit.  So that's what I'm setting out to do.  After reading that this morning, I decided I should start now.  After my morning classes I came home and declared this Day One of forming better morning habits.  I started with my going to bed routine, so at 11:50 today I removed my makeup, washed my face, brushed my teeth, set my alarm (for noon), and hopped in bed.  I "slept" for about four minutes and when my alarm went off I hopped right back out of bed, turned it off, took a deep breath, stretched, yawned (gotta add in every detail, right?), and got my gym clothes on.  All the while, when I am looking at the clock, I am translating into what time it would be.  At this point, it was "6:05" and I got to the gym around "6:10".  Worked out until "7:00" and headed home where I showered, did my hair (I don't usually do my hair in the morning; if I shower in the morning my former routine was to let my hair air dry) and makeup (which I usually end up doing at red lights...), put in my contacts (which usually don't have time to wear), got dressed, packed my lunch for the day, ate some breakfast (mac and cheese today since in reality it was 1:45 in the afternoon), and got my things ready to go.  I need to leave the house by 8:15 most mornings, and according to my mental morning clock it was only "8:00".

I plan to do exactly the same thing tomorrow, only it will actually be morning.  Onward to Day Two.

Even before I realized it was a choice, I chose to see the good in people. Letting the good in them outweigh the bad led me to give more grace than deserved at times and to make a couple of mistakes that I might have otherwise avoided. 

But I don't think I would trade in this trait. I would rather see the good in people than the bad. I would rather trust, believe, love. I don't ignore the bad or pretend the world is a happy place when it's obviously not. That's the state of mind my friend Derek affectionately calls Mamby Pamby Land. No, the world is a harsh, broken place. We can be realistic about that. But why not also be realistic about the possibly that there is some good under all this mess? Why not seek it out like precious gems or hidden treasure? Why not fight to believe in the good?

I am going to stick with the assumption, no matter how cooshy it sounds, that there is good in all of us.

Skittles and my Soul

I had a teacher in elementary school who gave us two skittles once a week. "One for your head and one for your heart," she'd say. I think this was the first time I learned the lesson, "Your soul is what matters."  

I think about this lesson when I eat Skittles.  I remember this wonderful teacher who taught me that a triangle is the strongest shape and that being smart makes me a wonderful person, not a nerd.  When I dwell on her memory, I appreciate  that she didn't have to tell me what was important.  She showed me by her actions.  She let me figure things out.  She never sat us down and said, "The reason I give you Skittles is not to reward you for having a head and for having a heart.  None of you had control over that.  The reason I give you Skittles is to make you realize and remember that I don't reward you for what you do in this class but for who you are.  I give you Skittles as a silly way to show you what I think matters and what I think you should think matters."  But without ever saying much, this is the lesson she taught us.  

I asked her a couple of times why she gave us two Skittles every week.  She repeated, "One for your head, one for your heart."  I wasn't satisfied with that answer; I asked again.  "But whyyyyy?"  When all she gave me was a smile, I just sighed as I left the room.  Years later, walking around campus eating a handful of Skittles, I finally realized what she was teaching us.  Your soul is what matters.  And how sweet a truth it is in my mind :)  

This is the most important thing.  Not what you do, but who you are.  Your mind and your heart, the you deep down.  The you that most of the world doesn't get to know.  

You not only have a soul, it is the very essence of you.  You are a soul.  The state and character of our souls is what needs to be cultivated, exercised, and valued.  


Train yourself to be godly.  For physical training is of some value, but godliness has value for all things, holding promise for both the present life and the life to come.

Ouch.

I love sleep, but I hate that we need it.  One of the most intelligent people I know once tried to convince me that since we spend so much of our time asleep, it must have a specific and important purpose.  I have been thinking a lot about pain recently, and I wonder if similar logic applies.

Pain is a significant part of the human experience, and everyone seems to find themselves in it at one point or another.  Does this mean there is a purpose for pain?  I would assume we would like to think that the answer is no. 

When I experience pain, I usually wish that it would end as quickly as possible.  Pain is unfortunate and uncomfortable, yet we find ourselves and those around us in pain time and time again.  I can’t help but think there’s a reason for it.

The dawn is beautiful because it chases away the night.  Rain is a godsend in the desert I call home, where the sun shines over 350 days, the heat is relentless, and the summer lasts from April to October.  The opposite is true in Seattle, when the miracle is the moment when the rain stops and the city experiences sunlight.  A moment of laughter in the middle of a sad movie is a gift for the soul, and finally shedding tears after days, months, or years of holding them in is a sweet, sweet release. 

My point is, these things would at most not exist and at least not be as beautiful or meaningful without their opposites.  My fellow desert rats and I rejoice for rain and cool weather, but we would not have the same reaction without knowing all too well the dry, oppressive heat that reigns for most of the year.  What if the same is true with pain?  Would we know relief without it?  Would healing be as sweet? 

Pain in my life has been a refining fire and has made up the most critical chapters of my story thus far.  I have learned lessons that I wouldn’t trade in for less pain.  I have made and strengthened friendships over pain.  I have become relatable to others because of my pain.  I have been able to help others through their pain.  I have found healing and felt loved and been embraced and grown stronger because of my pain. 

I hate that there is pain in this world, but I love that even after the darkest night, dawn comes in the morning.  Even after the coldest winter (somewhere far from where I live), beauty and warmth emerges with the spring.  Even after the toughest of hardships, three things remain: faith, hope, and love.

And the greatest of these is love.

Stay tuned for my thoughts on handling pain, because the important thing about pain is what we do with it.  The beauty is in the healing, not the pain, but that doesn’t mean the pain is without purpose.  

Blessed are those who mourn,
   for they will be comforted. 


                            Matthew 5:4

"To know what would have happened, child? No. Nobody is ever told that. But anyone can find out what will happen.”

I received this email from one of my friends who received it from her boss.  I have heard this argument before, and I don't agree with it.  We can't live our life or argue our viewpoints based on what might or might not have happened.  


How many Steve Jobs have been aborted over the last 30 years?  :(  

Just a little background on Steve Jobs. Something you may not know about his life and about a woman named Joanne Schiebel. In 1954, Joanne was a young unmarried college student who discovered that she was pregnant. In the 1950s, her options were limited. She could have had an abortion – but the procedure was both dangerous and illegal. She could have gotten married, but she wasn’t ready and didn’t want to interrupt her education. Joanne opted, instead, to give birth to the baby and place that baby for adoption.

And so it was that in 1955, a California couple named Paul and Clara Jobs adopted a baby boy, born out of wedlock, that they named Steven.

We know him today…as Steve Jobs.

It would not be overstating things to say that Steve Jobs is my generation’s Thomas Edison. As one observer put it, he knew what the world wanted before the world knew that it wanted it.

If you have a computer or an iPhone or an iPad or an iPod, or anything remotely resembling them, you can thank Steve Jobs.

If your world has been transformed by the ability to digitally hear a symphony, send a letter, pay a bill, deposit a check, read a book and then buy theater tickets on something smaller than a cigarette case…you can thank Steve Jobs.

And: you can thank Joanne Schiebel.

If you want to know how much one life can matter, there is just one example.

But: imagine if that life had never happened.

Imagine if an unmarried pregnant college student 56 years ago had made a different choice.

Now, imagine all the unmarried pregnant college students who make that different choice today.

There are valid pro-life arguments, but I don't think this is one of them.  A newly born human life is just that. It should be protected because it is a human life.  New parents enjoy dreaming of all the things their children will grow into, but in reality they have no idea.  Sure, that child could someday become "the next Steve Jobs" or "the next Mother Theresa"... but they are human and therefore also have the potential to become "the next Adolf Hitler" or "the next Eric Harris or Dylan Klebold."  And if we had technology to know better which side of morality that child would end up living his/her life on, it would still be wrong to abort the pregnancy since every human life is redeemable.  The thing about arguing that one should not abort a pregnancy in case that child is destined to do wonderful things is that there is a flipside: one should abort a pregnancy lest that child grow up to do terrible things.  

Each human soul brings both more brokenness AND more hope into the world.  We are the great contradiction.  

One of the great beauties of creating human life is that parents are creating a being who also has the ability to create - life, art, sadness, hope, confusion, chaos, friendship, love, their own story.  That is why creating human life is also one of the greatest risks in life.  

We should not be against ending a human life for what it might have been but for what it already is.

Adapted from a talk I gave to middle school students

I want to share with you the BEST thing I have figured out so far in my life.  Figuring this thing out has changed everything, from the way that I think to the way that I feel to the way that I interact with my friends…  It has changed literally every single thing in my life.  

I have found my identity.  God built into me a specific identity, and He has told me who I am.  

By far my favorite Disney princess movie is Tangled.  A girl is trapped in a tower because of an evil woman who kidnapped her and has lied to her throughout her entire life, but she eventually escapes the tower and realizes that she is actually a princess.  The part where she realizes who she is is my favorite scene of the whole movie (even better than the floating lanterns!).  

The way I see it, there are two basic things that happen once she puts it all together and realizes she’s a princess.  First, Gothel, the evil woman, has no more power over her.  This is very different from the beginning of the movie when she couldn’t stand up for herself and lost every argument.  But now, just because she knows that everything she has been told her entire life has been a lie, she has power.  This relates to us, as Christians.  Once we realize our identity in Christ, we have power over the lies we have been told by the Enemy.  But more about that later.  The second thing that happens is that she realizes her purpose in life, and everything makes sense now.  There is no more confusion, no more feeling out of place.  She knows where she needs to be – in the kingdom – and what she needs to do – serve her people as their princess.  This is what happens in our life, too, when we embrace our identity. 

The metaphorical towers of life are a part of everyone's story, so let me tell you about the times in my life when I live trapped in a tower, believing the lies that Satan and the world were telling me.  The lie that I believe most is that people don’t like me.  They don’t think I’m good enough, they don’t want to be around me, they like other people much better than me, and on and on.  So at times in my life when I believe these lies, I am depressed.  I don’t want to go anywhere because I think people don’t want me there.  I get really critical of myself and wish I was better at certain things.  I stand in a room full of people and think no one wants to talk to me or I sit at home alone waiting for someone to call me and ask me to hang out, and when no one does, I think it’s because, basically, I suck.  But when I fight the lies and choose instead to believe that I am the person that God says I am, my life is much better.  I enjoy spending time with people, I am much happier, I feel good about the things I’m doing… I feel good about myself.  Easiest “Would You Rather” ever: Would you rather feel lonely and depressed or loved and happy?  

I was raised to love Jesus and to follow Him with my life, but it took me a while to figure out how everything changes, who God says I am individually, and how it looks to live that out.

The day I started to figure these things out was April 6, 2011.  Ironically, exactly 14 years after the day I made the decision to give Jesus everything, follow Him, and be baptized.  I felt like God was definitely about to change big things in my life for the better.  I had just eaten breakfast with one of my mentors, and I was on my way to class.  While I was driving, I was thinking and praying about all the things she and I had just talked about: the fact that my identity is in Christ and that means I am worthy, that means I don’t suck.  I was running a little late and I heard something in my head say, You think you have everything figured out, and you can’t even get to class on time?  So I started speeding.  Then, I got pulled over for speeding.  The cop didn’t give me a ticket, just told me to slow down.  But when he drove away I stayed there on the side of the road sobbing because that voice in my head was getting louder.  You really think you aren’t a complete screw up?  You really think you don’t suck?  Hello, you just got pulled over.  Really, Katelyn?  And now you are going to be even later for class.  Also, everyone will look at you funny because your eyes are red and puffy and you look gross.  They’ll know you’ve been crying and they’ll think you’re weak or weird or stupid or too emotional.  You know what, you might as well not even go to class, it’s not like you’re going to do well in that class anyway!  Oh my gosh, are you still crying?  Wow… pathetic.

Needless to say, I was feeling pretty terrible about myself at that point, until I remembered that these were lies.  Then I got really mad!  This is where that power comes in because I was able to tell that voice to go away.  Or rather, I yelled at it and forced it to go away.  I told it that “I no longer live, but Christ lives in me and I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.”  That means He thought I was worth it.  I told the voice that Jesus has given me “authority to trample on snakes and scorpions and to overcome all the power of the enemy” and that “nothing will harm me.”  I said, “That means you need to go away.”  Jesus says in John 14:14 that I can ask for anything in His name, and He will do it, so I said, “I command you, in the Name of Jesus, to leave me alone.  Stop lying to me, get out of my head.  I don’t believe anything you say about me.  I choose to believe that my identity is in Christ, not in whether I follow the rules or I get to places on time.  I am who God says I am and God says I am valuable.” 

Then I asked God to fight for me.  I admitted to Him that I couldn’t fight these lies alone, and that I needed His power.  I asked God to keep these lies out of my head and to protect me.  And He did.  2 Chronicles 32:8 says that we are only flesh but “with us is the LORD our God to help us and to fight our battles.”  I said, “God, you promised me in 2 Timothy 4:18 that you “will rescue me from every evil attack” so rescue me now.  I instantly stopped crying, took a deep breath, and was firm again in who God says I am.  To believe that we are who God says we are, we first need to stop believing that we are who Satan or the world or people at school or anyone else say we are.  We need to fight those lies and ask God to get them away from us and we need to ask for reminders of who He says we are.

He gives us those reminders in scripture as well.  First of all, we were made in the image of God, Genesis 1:26, and Romans 5:1 tells us that we have been made right with God through Christ and that we have peace with God.  Romans 8:1 says that there is no condemnation for us because we are in Christ.  According to 2 Corinthians 5:17, we are a new creation, which means our past does not define who we are anymore.  We are God’s temple (1 Corinthians 3:16), so we have direct access to God (Ephesians 2:18) and we are to live righteous and holy like God (Ephesians 4:24).  We have also been called friends of God, children of God, disciples of Christ, light in the darkness, pleasing to God.  Does this make anyone else feel pretty good about the person God says you are?  We don’t have to struggle with the lies anymore or feel crappy about ourselves anymore because God thinks pretty highly of us.  When someone at school makes fun of you or looks at you weird or is rude to you, your identity is still in Christ and you are valuable.  When a boyfriend or girlfriend breaks up with you, your identity is still in Christ and you are valuable.  When your basketball team loses or you get a bad grade on an assignment you worked really hard on or your friends are ignoring you or you’re breaking out or you made this terrible mistake that you wish you could take back... your identity is in Christ and you are valuable.  Those things are all unfortunate, and it’s okay to be upset about them to a certain extent, but they don’t change what God thinks of you and they don’t change what you should think of yourself. 

Ephesians 2:10 says For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.  We are God’s masterpieces, he created us and has told us who we are, and we know based on this verse that God created us for a specific purpose.  To do good.  Doing good is directly connected with our identity.  When I know that my identity is in Christ, I also know that your identity is in Christ and that Christians all over the world find their identity in Christ too.  That means that you are just as important as I am and that I need to do good and help you when you need it.  I need to love others just like I love myself because OUR identity is in Christ. 

Whether certain individuals have realized it yet or not, they are also God’s handiwork, created in Christ to do good.  So my friends who don't follow Jesus and people all over the world who don’t know God were created in His image too.  It’s my job to love them and share with them the truths that they were made in the image of God and their identity is in Christ.  

God has given us all a general purpose: love others and do good.  But he has given us specific purposes individually, too.  God gave us different gifts and different personalities, and He wants us to use them.  He says in 1 Corinthians 12 that we all have spiritual gifts and that together we make up the body of Christ.  Some were created to be arms and some are supposed to be toes, but we all have a purpose.  God made me a certain way so my job is to use that for His Kingdom, and God made you a certain way that is different from the way He made me.  But since He made us all in His image, that means when we are using our gifts and abilities for God, we are showing everyone around us a specific characteristic of the image of God.  I like details and organization.  My best friend is very different from me.  She likes having fun and being silly and can connect with people much better than I can.  But God created us differently that way on purpose.  God is organized and cares about the details, so when I use my organization skills for Him, I am being like God and showing the world a part of who God is.  God is also fun and adventurous and cares deeply for people so when my friend has fun and loves other people the way she does, she is showing them a different, but just as important characteristic of God.  What an awesome purpose that is for our lives to be ourselves in order to display the image of God!  So once we realize who God says we are as Christians, we need to embrace who God says we are as individuals and use those specific ways God created us to do good for His kingdom. 

Now, because of the way the enemy works, there are some who are thinking, most people are God’s handiwork, his masterpiece, created to do good works, but surely I am not that important.  Surely, there is nothing I can do or a specific purpose for me.  Well, I am telling you that is a lie that you need to fight.  Don’t listen to it!  Ask God to take it from you.  Believe instead that you have a specific purpose and use that purpose.  We are who God says we are and that gives us power and a purpose.  Declare this in your life, and live it like you mean it!  I am who God says I am and that gives me power and a purpose.  I am who God says I am and that gives me power and a purpose.  I am who God says I am and that gives me power and a purpose!  

Go live with power and purpose.  Go make follows of Christ look more like they were intended to look.  Go bring hope to the world - it's what God built you for!  

There is no F in University

The more I study the psychology of learning, the more I realize how much schooling has missed the mark.  I have yet to figure out why so little investment is made in the minds of students and why simple changes haven't been made to better the school system tenfold.  The main obstacle is cost, but I really think the benefits would outweigh the cost in time.  Not to mention the fact that I don't think these changes would be terribly costly and that fact that I currently pay for the education I'm receiving (and I pay significantly less than the average student attending a university).

The main problem I see is that the primary focus at the university level is no longer developing the minds of students and aiming to make true the statement higher education but rather simply earning money and prestige (and, of course, the prestige is only to make more money).

With the focus off of my learning, the University of Arizona (and I suspect other institutions of higher learning) has settled for an ineffective system.  

For now, I have three examples.  I am sure I could add many more to my list with further study on developmental and educational psychology.

Massed learning is much less effective than distributed learning.  When a concept is taught over a period of time, the level of acquisition is much higher.  I was thinking of the pre-sessions (a semester worth of credit taught in three weeks) and summer/winter sessions (one month and three weeks, respectively).  I was thinking of my class on Monday nights in which for three hours we are lectured on one week worth of material.  I was thinking of how information is dumped on us through lecture or through text book (only hitting two of the four most common learning styles) in a short amount of time.

The information is recalled (and then for most students I assume forgotten shortly after) on exams.  Today in one of my classes, we were told the class results of our most recent exam.  Out of 120 students, 100 received a score of B or higher (with some receiving a score of over 100% due to the extra credit points available).  14 students received a C grade, and only 6 received D's and E's (we don't have F's at my school).

This is great news!  We are understanding the material; both the professor and the students are doing their jobs, playing their roles well.  But this was my professor's response: "So apparently next time I need to write a more difficult exam."  That didn't sit well with me.  It made me think of the normal curve that forces people into a distribution.  (The curve that professors and instructors use when they say they "curved the test" is not the correct use of this distribution.  If your professors really used a curve, they would force exam scores into the normal distribution by finding the mean and placing a equal number of students above and below.  For example, if the mean exam score is a 50%, that becomes the new C and the same number of scores are placed in the A and B section as are in the D and E section.  However, if your class did well on the exam and the mean score is an 85%, that becomes the new C and the rest of the scores are distributed as described above.)  Essentially, I felt like my professor was expecting us to fail.  Though the reality is that in a class of 120 there will be E students no matter how effective the teacher is, her response to our class-wide success was to make sure it doesn't happen again.  It may be idealistic and unattainable, so maybe it's the optimist in me that thinks the goal of the professor should be a top heavy distribution where most of the students are performing excellently.  It should not be her indication that she needs to amp up the difficulty of her exams.

The grading system for exams is what seems to frustrate students most.  The day after a test, how many people in your classes ask the professor when the class will get the graded tests back?  We want to know how we did, what we can do differently to score better next time.  Feedback is only effective if received promptly.  Receiving feedback 1-2 weeks after taking an exam or writing a paper is likely to have less effect on the performance of the student.  We feel proud or disappointed when the teacher hands us an A or a C or a D test or paper, but our brains don't link the feedback to our performance as closely as we would if we received grades more immediately and more frequently.  In most of my classes, my grade is solely based on a couple of exams.  This is the only feedback I get for the semester.

Teachers already have the tools (D2L or Blackboard) to institute online quizzes, to give immediate feedback, and to post grades quickly.  Most of my instructors and professors also have TAs helping them with the grading.  Based on what feedback (positive reinforcement or punishment, in Skinner's words) does to behavior, returning tests and posting grades should be a more urgent and important task.

You probably have homework to get to, so I will wrap this up, even though sometimes I feel like I have four and a half semesters of complaints.  Since the beginning of the semester, the instructor in my I/O Psychology class (a class that teaches about psychology in the workplace) has referred to the students as customers and as colleagues at different times during class, usually in order to use workplace lingo and to demonstrate or reinforce the concepts of the course.  Today, she talked about the University as a business with an aim to be profitable financially.  Thinking about university as a business and myself as a customer makes absolutely no sense to me.  Imagine if you were seeking a product and you walked into a place of business looking to purchase such thing.  The clerk says, "Sure, you have come to exactly the right place!  We have just that thing.  So we are going to take the money you are about to pay for said thing, we are going to hire you (without pay, of course), and we are going to help you make this product yourself.  And in the end, you will walk away with said product!"  This is why universities cannot be viewed as an organization whose aim is to be profitable.  Whether or not they actually make a profit is not the issue; I understand full well that professors need to be paid and facilities need to be maintained.  Go ahead and be profitable, but don't seek profit as goal number one as if you are an industry.  If you are an industry, students are the products, the clientele, and the coworkers (subordinates, but still), and this makes no sense.

You are an organization that provides higher levels of learning.  Since this higher learning, the way you do it, costs money, some students are willing to invest in their education and reputation in order to pay the cost for you to provide them with education.  What say you start making it worth the investment?

These are things I write on my course evaluations every year, but similar to the aforementioned issue of delayed and infrequent feedback, you only receive this feedback twice a year, once after each semester.  So here is my feedback, University of Arizona.  I give you an F.  Even though there are no F's in universities.